Another year goes by

Another year goes by and we survive this time of the year. The time around the summer equinox is always hard. It's the time of year that we're reminded of what could have been.

Each year gets easier. We still get anxious and testy around this time of the year but we're getting better.

Every now and then I see remnants of Sebastian's injury. Stiffness in his right hand. Weaker muscles in his right hand and fingers. A slight paralysis in his tongue sometimes.

I worry about his future but I know that he can do anything. He is infinitely talented and full of potential. He is no different than his brother or his sister. He will achieve anything he sets his mind to. All 3 of them are full of endless potential.

Each and everyday I marvel that we were so lucky and so blessed with these 3 phenomenal children. They are kind and considerate. They are funny and fun loving. They are frustrating and infuriating but overall they are perfect and I wouldn't trade them or wish things were different.

I wish we had not had to go through the uncertainty and fear of almost losing our youngest son but in the end we came out on top and it's that experience that we are trying to turn around from a negative to a positive impact.

I still feel that there is something else I'm supposed to do with this experience but I'm still not sure what that is. I'll keep looking and waiting and hopefully be able to see what I need to do when the time comes.

For now, I'm just going to try to stay focused on the present and enjoy each and every day.

Another Anniversary Approaches

It's hard to think how much our lives have changed in the past year. Next month will be the 2 year anniversary of Sebastian's injury and the beginning of a nightmare. We've since woken up from the dream only to realize that it wasn't a dream. Sebastian did get hurt. He did have brain surgery. Our kids were taken from us. The hospital, the doctors , the nurses and the social workers all did their part to traumatize me and my family.

I realize now that I'm still living with the ghost of having been labeled a "Child Abuser" and being called a "Bad Mother" by people who didn't know what they were talking about. "Sticks and stones..." you say but you would be wrong. Names and words can and do hurt you. I continually find myself questioning everything I do. Am I a good mother? Am I vigilant enough? Am I too strict? Too lenient? Why can't I be more patient? My inner calm and peace is gone. That thing that used to center me is missing or hiding too scared to come out for fear of being berated yet again.

I took a lot of crap from the doctors and nurses because I was so calm. I refused to give into the panic and despair of the moment and that cost me. It cost me dearly.

I've been thinking about our time in the hospital and how we were treated. Hindsight really is 20/20. I realized that we had 3 nurses out of dozens of nurses and doctors who treated us like people and didn't judge us. They were concerned with Sebastian's recovery and they saw that he responded better when we were around him to comfort him. So why or why did they take him away from me. Why did they take him away from his dad. I rage! I cry! I want answers. I know I'll never get the answers but it still doesn't stop me from thinking.. no knowing... that those people owe me. They owe my family. They owe Sebastian.

So as his anniversary approaches I've made a resolution. I will get back to the mother I was. I will not let these people label me and define me anymore. I will forgive myself for not fighting more for Sebastian and Rachel and Austin. I will accept my short-comings and do whatever is necessary to bring back that sanctuary that used to be my center and I will be whole again.

I will no longer let the past keep me paralyzed nor will I let it color my future.

As an aside, at Sebastian's last visit with the neurologist, he was given a clean bill of health. They actually commented on how great he looked and what a great job we were doing with Sebastian. He was doing so well in fact that we were told we don't need to keep coming back for check ups every 6 months. We only need to go back and visit the Neurologist if we see Sebastian slipping or new neurological problems arise. It was great to hear that Sebastian was out immediate danger. He is still at risk for seizures... technically. But since he hasn't had a seizure since we got him out of that damn hospital, I think we are in the clear for now.

Sebastian still has some weakness in his right hand so I think he will be taking Piano and Guitar to build up the strength and dexterity in both his hands. Plus it's a good excuse to force some musical training onto the kid. The other 2 will just have to come to terms with the " Because I said so" logic and reasoning for their music lessons. Maybe I'll take up the guitar as well. Then the kids won't have any excuses about ... who and I kidding. They will come up with excuses unless they really do love it. In which case, I'll be happy to have all 3 kids go through "rehab" with Sebastian. Either way, we will have music in the house again.

I think I will write a book. Probably just for the family to read when they get old enough to start asking questions.

Oh and in case anyone is keeping track. We still don't have a letter from the State that says our case was officially closed. Sebastian long ago erased the message on the answering machine that said as much. I guess we'll never get that letter.

1 year ago.....

It's been one year now since we almost lost our sweet little boy. He has recovered physically beyond anything we could have hoped for. To look at him now you would never guess that he had such a serious injury 12 short months ago. He is developmentally where he should be. Reaching all his milestones and proving to everyone that doctors and modern medicine don't know everything and in most cases what they don't know outnumbers what they do know.

We are moving forward. Our lives are no longer in limbo or on hold. We still fear that the State will somehow find a way to try to take our kids or charge one of us for a crime we didn't commit. Luckily, that fear is fleeting and with each day that passes we ease up a little more.

We did hear from CPS telling us that they had closed our case but we have yet to get that in writing so as far as we are concerned this isn't finished. CPS has also failed to pay for the medical services and tests they forced upon Rachel. I am so very, very angry that my credit rating is now being affected because CPS and the State of Texas felt it was necessary to torture my daughter needlessly and then sign the Hospital admission papers so that we have very little legal footing on this. I guess I'll be haunted by this for the next 7-10 years.

Our lives are changed. WE are changed but I do hope that we don't lose the good things we had and the gentleness that was prevalent in our family and our kids.

I still get angry and furious and want to scream and cry and lash out at someone when I think of all the things our family has been put through all because a couple of people were too lazy to find out what really happened to our son. We now know things about the doctors that accused us that make us even angrier but thankful that the only impact they had was just emotional abuse and slander. We can recover from that. In fact we are pretty much recovered from it. It's the worst case scenario we couldn't live with that would have probably come true had they actually treated or son instead of reviewing the case after the fact.

So we say thank you to whoever made it possible that these doctor's and nurses were not on shift when Sebastian had to go in and have surgery. Because you know it's very scary when other nurses and doctors tell you that your child would be dead had these other people treated him initially. That is a scary thing to think about.

I still think that I should sue the hospital and the doctors who made the charges and then made mistakes in Sebastian's treatment but I don't think that would make us feel better. Seeing all 3 of our kids laughing and playing together is so much better.

So here we are 1 year later, nothing has changed and yet the whole world has changed. People have asked me to write a book about our experiences. I might. But for right now, I just want to enjoy the fact that I have 3 kids under 4 at home and they are driving their parents crazy as all kids should. Because if they aren't challenging their boundaries and pushing the envelope, then they aren't growing and learning. We just want them to continue to grow and learn and be the best human beings they can be in this messed up world.

Nearing the end of our Journey

Time certainly heals all wounds. We still have a few raw and tender spots but as a whole we are putting this whole episode behind us and beginning to concentrate on the future. For the first time in a long time, Weldon and I are talking about the future. The kids' future and our future as a family. We are just now beginning to allow ourselves to move forward and plan for things.

We still live in fear but that's going away. We still worry that there are problems and issues with Sebastian that we just don't know about yet but we'll deal with those as they come up. For now it's enough to know that our family is together and intact. Sebastian is continuing to improve and blossom. Rachel and Austin are thriving and Tybalt, the dog, is more annoyed than ever because the kids are being kids. It's a good sign.

We've had our last visit from CPS and they are closing out our case. It could be March before we get our official letter stating that the case is closed, nothing the State does ever moves quickly or efficiently. The caseworker all but admitted that this situation was uncalled for and unnecessary. She told us that she never had any worries about us as parents and that all she ever saw was good, positive parenting. The case was weird for her as well. It was good to hear that even she thought this whole thing was a bit bizarre.

I understand that people were just doing their jobs and that they thought they were doing what was best for our kids. I understand that they thought they were protecting the kids, but they did more harm than good. Weldon and I are starting to put the pieces of our lives back together. We're working towards getting back to normal. We're dealing with the emotional and psychological hurts that each of our children have as a result of this whole incident. Things are getting better. The kids will be fine and eventually Weldon and I will stop looking over our shoulders every time one of the kids cries or falls. We are starting to let them be kids and letting them explore and figure things out for themselves....even if it means they fall down.

We will still be dealing with the neurologist for probably a couple of years but that is due to the type of injury Sebastian sustained. He is still at risk for seizures for another 3 years. As the years go by that risk will diminish but until he's about 5 we'll have to keep a close eye on him.

The fluid that was in Sebastian's brain is reducing and is slowly being re-absorbed into his body. He has had a slight increase in fluid on the left side of his brain but nothing that really concerns the doctors at this time, since the overall volume of fluid is greatly reduced. There won't be any surgery to remove the fluid, we'll just let nature take it's course and allow Sebastian's body to heal itself. There won't be any more MRI's to monitor the fluid, unless things take a turn for the worse and he begins showing signs of increasing pressure. I don't think that we'll have that happen but again it's another thing to be vigilant in our observations.

For the first time in 6 months, the neurologist actually looked at Sebastian as a person. He looked at his behavior and his actions and evaluated him on his physical appearance. He stopped looking at the chart and making his diagnosis from the tests and numbers and actually saw Sebastian as he really is, a rambunctious, thriving 15-month old. He actually noticed how strong Sebastian is and how he doesn't show any signs of his injury. It took 6 months but the doctor finally looked at his patient and began treating his patient based on real-life observations and not notes and numbers on a sheet of paper.

We'll continue to have check-ups to make sure Sebastian is continuing to improve and progress in his development and recovery. He won't have to undergo any more surgical procedures or tests. There won't be anymore anesthesia. No more IV's. No more early morning visits to the hospital. No more recovery rooms. No more bad cafeteria food and coffee. For now we get to move forward and start putting our lives back in order.

It's been a long journey. I'm glad that this part is almost at an end. I'm starting to look for the positives and beginning to think about how to get above and beyond this experience so that it doesn't color the rest of our lives in negative energy.

I'll post one more entry when we get our final letter stating that our case is officially closed. Until then, please know that we could not have made it through this ordeal without the love and support of all of you. Thank you for never losing faith in us. We love you all!

A Fresh Start

First of all Thank you to everyone who has been supporting us and been behind us in this horrible nightmare. We truly could not have made it through without your love and support.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

And most importantly Happy New Year!

I decided that instead of doing a Christmas letter or update I would wait until New Year's and update at that point. I want the next year to be better and different and even though we won't completely be out of the CPS nightmare it will be closer to ending. I want all of us to start Fresh. Strong and determined that we won't let this ugly time cloud our decisions or attitudes. So to that affect, I'm giving over all the negativity to the past year and vow to start the new year fresh and renewed and ready to move forward.

Sebastian had, what will hopefully be his last MRI on Friday. All went well and we will meet with the doctors on Thursday to go over the results. The hope is that his brain is recovering well especially now that he's been off the Phenobarbitol. We are also hoping that the fluid that was in his brain has been reabsorbed and continues to shrink. This is important because if the fluid has not shrunk significantly our neurologist wants to have it drained. This despite the fact that the neurosurgeon doesn't believe this is necessary and that the safest course of action is to let the body heal itself. So here's to Sebastian healing himself and us not having to go back to the hospital for a second surgery.

The family news and updates are just that we are all fine. Sebastian is great and you would never know that he had an accident.
CPS meets with us on the 8th of January. Hopefully this will be the last meeting and they will close the case that day. I doubt it. Nothing CPS ever does is timely or on schedule. And especially not with our caseworker. She's a sweet lady but definitely not pulled together.
Anyway, all is well and we are set for a new and better year.

The Latest CPS Visit

We met with our CPS caseworker on Friday. It was a very quick visit. Basically she just came by to see the kids, as I've said before she's legally required to see the kids every 30 days. She asked if we had any questions for her. Basically our only concern is when is this all going to be over. We're tired of all the invasiveness and the constant defense of ourselves.

She basically told us that they were keeping the case open until after I finished my parenting classes and that we would have another visit in January as a "CYA" for CPS. The current plan is for CPS to come visit again in early January, after our check up visit with the neurologist. They are supposed to close the case after this next visit. Weldon and I are still on edge and still on guard.

We aren't sure why CPS wants to wait until after our visit with the neurologist. We're afraid that this is another one of their stall tactics in hopes of finding proof that they can use to charge us. I know that we are supposed to believe that CPS's objective is to reunite the family but we don't have a lot of faith in the system or in the people running our case. So far nothing they've done has instilled us with any amount of confidence.

On a happier note, Sebastian is doing great. He is now officially off the Phenobarbitol. We have an MRI on the 29th to check on his progress and to see how he is doing. The MRI will tell us if the fluid in his brain has been re-absorbed. If the fluid is still present the neurologist says that he wants to remove it, even though our neurosurgeon feels that this is an unnecessary action. I understand the concern and know that probably in the long run it would be best if the fluid were removed but I just don't want to put the family through another surgery. Even if this new surgery is less risky. I'm not ready to spend any amount of time in the hospital any time soon.

So here's hoping that the new MRI continues to show healing and improvement in Sebastian's brain and that the fluid that has been present has been reabsorbed by his body and another surgery won't be necessary.

The Supervision is lifted

We finally have our letter stating that we are not being charged with Sebastian's injuries. It's a relief to have that in writing. In the letter CPS explains that they cannot list this incident as the accident that it was because they have a signed affidavit from the Doctors saying that Sebastian suffered significant trauma and that there was no way it was an accident. Well, hell we know it was a significant trauma. We were there. We rushed our little bundle of joy to the hospital and prayed day and night that he would pull through. We stayed by his side until CPS banned us from his room.

We know it was most likely a fall he had taken the previous day that most likely caused his injury, that coupled with the vaccine he had received the week before and I think we just got caught in a one and a million scenario that allowed a fall to cause so much injury. I am purely speculating here because no one ever tried to find out exactly what happened to Sebastian.

It makes me angrier than I've ever been, to see how little regard the doctors and nurses, charged with taking care of us, had for us once they believed they were better than us. I don't know how many times we told doctors and nurses that Sebastian had a history of falling. We told them about the vaccine and the information we had found online from Medical Sources. No one believed us or cared. They had made up their mind and they weren't going to investigate any further. It was sheer laziness and a disregard for the general well being of our son that put our family on this path of trials and tribulations.

The quality of care we received was definitely much different than that of the other patients in the PICU. Both doctors and nurses got by with telling us as little as possible. Any questions we had were either dismissed, ignored or answered with the barest of information. CPS never once visited our home or the hospital to check on Sebastian. Here they were making Life and death decisions for our Son and our Family, yet they never had to courage to show up and see if their accusations were well founded or to even see the impact their decisions were making. They made decisions which adversely affected our son without so much as a visit to see what kind of impact their decisions made in our son's recovery. Little Babies should not have to cry for hours and hours on end with no Mom or Dad to comfort them in scary hospital with tubes and electrodes stuck to them. All because some idiot in an office thinks he knows what he's doing.

So yeah, I'm angry and hurt. We all are. But we'll survive. We'll move forward and put all this ugliness behind us. And that's in part to being able to get back to normal. We can finally get back to being a family. My parents can go home and spend some much deserved quality time with each other. They've been flying back and forth for the past 4 months, 1 parent here and the other one taking care of my grandfather in El Paso.

I'll finish my Protective Parenting classes. We'll go through a visit next week and then again in January and hopefully by the end of January the case will be closed. I won't count on that, the State is notoriously slow but it's a target date and it's something to work towards.