Another Anniversary Approaches

It's hard to think how much our lives have changed in the past year. Next month will be the 2 year anniversary of Sebastian's injury and the beginning of a nightmare. We've since woken up from the dream only to realize that it wasn't a dream. Sebastian did get hurt. He did have brain surgery. Our kids were taken from us. The hospital, the doctors , the nurses and the social workers all did their part to traumatize me and my family.

I realize now that I'm still living with the ghost of having been labeled a "Child Abuser" and being called a "Bad Mother" by people who didn't know what they were talking about. "Sticks and stones..." you say but you would be wrong. Names and words can and do hurt you. I continually find myself questioning everything I do. Am I a good mother? Am I vigilant enough? Am I too strict? Too lenient? Why can't I be more patient? My inner calm and peace is gone. That thing that used to center me is missing or hiding too scared to come out for fear of being berated yet again.

I took a lot of crap from the doctors and nurses because I was so calm. I refused to give into the panic and despair of the moment and that cost me. It cost me dearly.

I've been thinking about our time in the hospital and how we were treated. Hindsight really is 20/20. I realized that we had 3 nurses out of dozens of nurses and doctors who treated us like people and didn't judge us. They were concerned with Sebastian's recovery and they saw that he responded better when we were around him to comfort him. So why or why did they take him away from me. Why did they take him away from his dad. I rage! I cry! I want answers. I know I'll never get the answers but it still doesn't stop me from thinking.. no knowing... that those people owe me. They owe my family. They owe Sebastian.

So as his anniversary approaches I've made a resolution. I will get back to the mother I was. I will not let these people label me and define me anymore. I will forgive myself for not fighting more for Sebastian and Rachel and Austin. I will accept my short-comings and do whatever is necessary to bring back that sanctuary that used to be my center and I will be whole again.

I will no longer let the past keep me paralyzed nor will I let it color my future.

As an aside, at Sebastian's last visit with the neurologist, he was given a clean bill of health. They actually commented on how great he looked and what a great job we were doing with Sebastian. He was doing so well in fact that we were told we don't need to keep coming back for check ups every 6 months. We only need to go back and visit the Neurologist if we see Sebastian slipping or new neurological problems arise. It was great to hear that Sebastian was out immediate danger. He is still at risk for seizures... technically. But since he hasn't had a seizure since we got him out of that damn hospital, I think we are in the clear for now.

Sebastian still has some weakness in his right hand so I think he will be taking Piano and Guitar to build up the strength and dexterity in both his hands. Plus it's a good excuse to force some musical training onto the kid. The other 2 will just have to come to terms with the " Because I said so" logic and reasoning for their music lessons. Maybe I'll take up the guitar as well. Then the kids won't have any excuses about ... who and I kidding. They will come up with excuses unless they really do love it. In which case, I'll be happy to have all 3 kids go through "rehab" with Sebastian. Either way, we will have music in the house again.

I think I will write a book. Probably just for the family to read when they get old enough to start asking questions.

Oh and in case anyone is keeping track. We still don't have a letter from the State that says our case was officially closed. Sebastian long ago erased the message on the answering machine that said as much. I guess we'll never get that letter.